Sticking With It

February 20, 2008

I worked the entire day last Sunday on a 250-word description of a basketball game I went to on Saturday night for my grammar homework.  It amazes me at how good writers can come up with such incredibly skillful phrasing.  Even after spending the entire day on those 250 words, after I submitted the homework I re-read it and couldn’t believe how juvenile it sounded.

I have to keep reminding myself over and over and over that I’m a 50-year-older  doing this for the first time and comparing myself to someone who (probably) has been  writing their entire lives.  As far as I can tell, I only have one of three options:

1.  I can say “what’s the point” and give up.  Then what would I do with the rest of my life?  For a number of years I’ve been living on the assumption I wouldn’t live much longer than another couple of years, and then a couple of years passes, and I find myself still alive and kicking.  In some ways I need to go back to my pre-cancer mindframe and allow myself the luxury of feeling that I’ll live a good long life.  Maybe there is life after cancer after all?

2.  I can keep going with it and fail.  But what would fail mean exactly?  There’s no  distinct endpoint when it comes to learning how to create, so the endpoint is self-defined (i.e. you quit trying).

3.  I keep sticking with it and keep giving myself pep talks and hanging out with people who feed me even the tiniest compliments to keep me driving myself (Like my grammar teacher who is nothing sort of a remarkably patient, attentive, and encouraging teacher who makes me feel like I can do it, and makes me want to do better.)