Writing About the Journey

February 6, 2008

On the morning that I wrote about my 5-year adolescent period, I had a dream.  In this dream I was talking to my mother.  After talking to her, I went into the bathroom and stood over the bathtub.  I had a blackhead on my chest.  I squeezed the blackhead into the tub, and it oozed out and into the tub in one long string of sebum.  I looked at it with the mild sense of satisfaction that you get when you squeeze a great blackhead.

As I watched it, though, I saw it develop legs and begin crawling.  I saw it crawl up the bathtub wall.  It was about a foot long, and a disgusting worm-looking thing with caterpillar-like legs.  I realized that my body probably had millions of these creatures crawling around inside.  I began screaming “Mommy!!!!  Mooommmmyyy!!!!  MMMOOOOOMMMYYYY!!!!!!” and screaming and screaming.  I woke myself up screaming.

I expected that this journey to discover my creative side would be about learning how to write about the snowflakes falling and caking my eyelashes and the two decrepit old women who walked into Dunkin Donuts and huddled over jelly donuts, smiling, nodding, and whispering to each other.  I understood that I would probably need to confront the darker side of myself, sure.  But I’m discovering that this beginning of the journay  has been more like my dream:  squeezing out huge blackhead worms which are crawling around the inside of my body — ugly, disgusting, and making me want to scream.

I thought I’d already uncovered the spiders from my past before all this, and I probably had.  But maybe the lesson to me is, yes, possibly someday the snowflakes and the little old ladies and fairies and gnomes and magical rocks can be written about.  But right now, and perhaps forever, the ugly blackhead worms and the spiders will need to be included. 

This blog is about sharing my ongoing discovery about myself as I try to find the creative part of me.  So I expose this deepest darkest part of myself and pose my questions and conjectures hoping that as I continue my travel I will be able to answer them.  Because I realize that I’m the only person in the entire world that can.